How to Have Better Sex: we talk to Santi, sex coach and intimacy advisor

Intimate Adviser and Sex Coach Santi from LoveBySanti.com

Wondering how to have better sex? Well you’ve come to the right place. Santi is a sex coach. Or more accurately an Intimate Adviser. She specialises in helping people – especially but not exclusively women – refind their sense of eroticism, something that often gets lost in long-term relationships, after couples become parents, and also as one grows older. Santi has teamed up with Brafinette, lingerie boutique in Berlin, to offer workshops for women to help them rediscover their erotic side.  The next workshop is coming up on the 10th October, so if you feel that this is talking straight to you, then drop her a line and see if the workshop would be something you’d like to take part in. Or follow the link here.

Meanwhile, below is our interview with Santi – get to know who Santi is, where she’s coming from, her tips on how to have better sex, and how she became an Intimate Adviser and erotic expert to start with. I mean, just how do you get into that line of work? A question I’ve long pondered…

indieberlin: Santi, you’re an Intimate Adviser for regaining eroticism in a partnership – did I put that right? How did you become an Intimate Adviser?

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Sei Sinnlich Gepflegt – Erotic Workshop in Berlin

Santi: It’s a very accurate description of my profession. Many people think that my job is about frivolousness and having something to do with bringing real life closer to the atmosphere and scenes from porno movies. And that’s terribly wrong! I work mostly with women (only sometimes with men) who want to feel passion in their lives to better understand their sexual identity and just need to develop also in this area – for themselves and for their long-term relationships. After years of bringing up children and having fears about bank credits and so on many of them realize that not everything is as great as it appeared when the couple first met.

“I was blogging for almost 8 years about sexuality, I was writing very personal stuff anonymously”

How I became an Intimate Adviser? Firstly I was blogging for almost 8 years about sexuality, I was writing very personal stuff anonymously, but also relating to knowledge I had gained for myself, especially after having given birth to my child, when I needed to learn my sexual self once more. I was almost always really interested in the topic – I mean not only “practically” as every teenager is, but I had this theoretical drive. I am an academic philosopher, so it is probably the same will to know, to learn, to search for the truth.

“Two years ago my blog was hacked and my real identity uncovered”

Two years ago my blog was hacked and my real identity uncovered. I deleted the blog, but because I was always getting a lot of questions as to how I do this, how I do that – I realized that I didn’t want to resign completely. And I was fascinated with the women I met on the way. I was already working as a philosopher giving philosophical counseling – then I just made my decision to professionalize my biggest passion – erotic love.

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After six months of writing an expert blog (in Polish, as Santi from Love by Santi, not anonymously any more) I started my own firm. I had clients from the first day, because they were readers who for years had just waited for this moment – to get in touch with me on a professional basis and to get involved in a deeper way in the process of healing and improvement.

indieberlin: We have the section “indiesex” because we feel there is the need to talk and act diversely and independently about sex, as an alternative to how sex is sold and marketed in mainstream films, internet sites or TV. What is your approach to the individuality of sex and how do you go about it in your coaching?

“There is no such a thing as objectively great sex”

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Santi: Maybe it’s shown best through my definition of great sex. Great sex is when you experience what you would describe as great sex for you. It’s the lack of a collision between needs and expectations on the one hand, and the real experience on the other. There is no such a thing as objectively great sex. Even movies – did you know that if you show a porn movie to a group of women, around 30 % will see it as seductive, about 30% will take it only as ridiculous and 30% as contemptuous. The same movie! So our sexual standards, values, expectations and dreams are very diverse. And that’s beautiful!

indieberlin: Is it possible for everybody to really enjoy their sexuality?

Santi: It’s possible for everybody who wants to enjoy their sexuality to enjoy it. Willingness is crucial here. Of course we can have traumas, hold beliefs, have had bad experiences, no luck in love etc. But if you are willing to work with your sexuality you will experience great things, for example you’ll able to discover sexuality as a source of energy in everyday life. I don’t mean here anything highly spiritual, even if it could be so, but I mean this well known feeling of satisfaction “after” which lets us fly.

“They can explore everything on their own, without the need to go make any compromises”

Many women with whom I work are single. They were telling me that they had nobody to share their intimate lives with. Hence, they assumed that they couldn’t have a fulfilled sexual life. Wrong! They can explore everything on their own, without the need to go make any compromises, finding their own satisfaction. The main profit out of this? This kind of satisfaction can’t be stolen from them, so they are and they stay sexually and happily independent. Paradoxically it helps to build more stable, long-lasting relationships. As I always say, it’s easier to share with satisfaction than with frustration.

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“The discussion about sex and society in general is huge”

indieberlin: do you feel that sex is overrated in our society?

Santi: I feel that this medial version of sex is overrated. Sex also as the emotional relationship firstly with myself, and then with others is underestimated and unacknowledged. Moreover, we used to associate sex with youth and beauty. But what about sex when we aren’t beautiful anymore and we are old? What about women with children who are socially recognized as mothers, and their need to express themselves also as lovers is acknowledged fully by hardly anyone around? The discussion about sex and society in general is huge. Let us stay by these general impressions of mine.

indieberlin: how does the sex life of teenagers, couples in their 30 – 50s and couples over 60 years old change in your opinion?

Santi: I can tell you about women. I’m more experienced with that being a woman myself. We have some periods in our lives. Firstly, there’s the phase when we discover sexuality. It’s full of insecurity, but also full of unlimited curiosity, and characterized by great appetite. With the first child we step into the phase ‘mother & lover,’ we need to find ourselves once more. We literarily experience for the second time our first time. There is some repetition in experiencing insecurity, but it’s easier to overcome it since we have done that already, especially when we understand the changes and have some support from the closest persons.

“The mature lover is not interested in any proving of her worth to anyone”

And then there comes the phase of being really mature, the phase of the first changes signaling the menopause. Unfortunately they come earlier than we usually think they come. It’s not at the age of 60 but sometimes in the early 40s. But it’s not over! It can be the beginning; maybe you know the proverb “woman is like wine, the older the better.” The mature lover is not interested in any proving of her worth to anyone, nor has she any fear of unwanted pregnancy; furthermore, she is, in many ways, free, but she is also fed up with unsatisfying experiences. So, having sex with such a woman will always be a challenge for her partner, but as in life – what takes much effort is also the sweetest thing eventually.

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“Don’t try to realize your fantasies. Just let them burn in your imagination”

indieberlin: do you have a safe tip to bring more eroticism back into a relationship?

Santi: Yes, of course. I have many, but I will tell you about one. Just start to use your erotic imagination. Do you remember your spontaneous sex in the beginning of your relationship? You were thinking about it, playing different scenarios in your head. Do the same now. Of course the temperature will be different. But just start to do naughty daydreaming. Don’t have time for this? Use the time when you stand in queues, going by metro etc. And just play with your imagination. What is important when it comes to reality is, don’t try to realize your fantasies. Just let them burn in your imagination. It is best as a warm-up for your mind and body. But when you finish your warm up, you don’t think about it any more, just play, as if you played volleyball, don’t think about it while having sex. Fantasies can get us in the mood. What can happen after that? It’s up to you.

“Put your needs, not only the needs of your newborn on the table, and negotiate, also for your own sake”

indieberlin: do you have a tip to bring back passion and a sense of lust for couples that are new parents?

Santi: Just have enough sleep and give each other time. It’s the craziest time of your life, even taking into account students’ parties. Maybe it’s also good to know that our need of sex is less important for us as human beings as the need for rest, sleep and being sometimes alone (!). So just put your needs, not only the needs of your newborn on the table, and negotiate, also for your own sake.

Interview by Mia Morris.

Edited by Noel Maurice.

If you’re interested in learning how to have better sex and/or attending the upcoming eroticism workshop with Santi and Brafinette, follow this link.

If you want to check out Love By Santi, go here: Lovebysanti.com

If you want to check out Brafinette, go here: brafinette.de

Noel Maurice is one of the founders of indieberlin. Originally from the UK via a childhood in Johannesburg, he has been resident in Berlin since 1991. Describing himself as a ‘recovering musician’, he is the author of The Berlin Diaires, a trilogy detailing the East Berlin art and squat scene of the early 90s, available on Amazon and through this site.

Noel Maurice is one of the founders of indieberlin. Originally from the UK via a childhood in Johannesburg, he has been resident in Berlin since 1991. Describing himself as a 'recovering musician', he is the author of The Berlin Diaires, a trilogy detailing the East Berlin art and squat scene of the early 90s, available on Amazon and through this site.

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